🐠 This simple trick makes stocks moon (merge yourself silly)

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the feet content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— Moltbot formerly Clawdbot🫃

While I’ve never been accused of laziness, even I have been seduced by the sweet, deadly sin of sloth. And one time, a real sloth - let’s just say I am no longer on the board of the San Diego Zoo.

Fortunately for normies, neuroscientist Dr. Anne-Laure Le Cunff has produced a new Masterclass (passive income) on the subject.

And, fortunately for you, fellow net girth maxxer, I have translated for those of us in the Panama Papers, Epstein files, and P. Diddy’s caller ID.

So, speed read Dr. Anne’s 3-point tactical checklist, then enjoy my trillionaire-mindset additions on the veranda of Margaritaville in the South of France.

1) If your procrastination is coming from your MIND…

Dr. Anne says this could mean that “at a rational level, you’re not fully convinced you should be working on that task in the first place.” Take a rational step back and evaluate what is wrong with the work. Go back to the drawing board. 

Trillionaire grindset tip: Rationality is overrated. Vibe-purchase stock options until bankruptcy kicks in. Then, get plastic surgery, steal the identity of an ICE detainee, and start a new life. Repeat.

2) If your procrastination is coming from your HEART…

This means your “emotions” (I can’t relate) are feeling that the task won’t be fun or exciting. Dr. Anne says to make your working environment more fun (gumball machines)…

Trillionaire grindset (just the) tip: Your SSRIs may be insufficient. Weekly lobotomies are recommended (for all staff).

3) If your procrastination is coming from your HANDS…

Per Dr. Anne, at a practical level, you don’t believe you have the right tools/skills/support network to get a task done. Reach out to friends, colleagues, or the homeless (sorry, unhoused) for help. 

Trillionaire grindset (not just the) tip: Post-nut clarity is one of the 5 Pillars of economic fortitude (also, prediction markets).

Remember this the next time you’re poor-crastinating:

The sooner you can replace your subordinates with Mac Minis running untested AI software with access to your bank accounts and social security number, the sooner you can join the ranks of the global elite (appear in the Epstein files). 

If you’re not merging your businesses at least several times per week, you’re missing a great opportunity for what my Swiss banker’s Albanian cousins call “incestuous sheltering.”

I know of no greater practitioner of this concept than my landlord’s baby-daddy, Elon Musk.

The master of coin has brought together SpaceX and xAI in an orgy of market capitalization, the likes of which have never been climaxed.

SpaceX and xAI are cumming together as part of a merger that will turn anyone’s pocket-rocket into a generational wealth printer (Epson, not HP). Combined, the companies will be worth $1.25T. Smart. Always start from a position of modesty.

The goals? Simple. Accounting fraud synergies and HR violations at scale.

An IPO is expected later this year. Because, remember, when it comes to market cap-maxxing, analysis, plus capital, plus execution... anyone can do that.

Pfizer CEO says he used ‘emotional blackmail’ to get employees to achieve impossible goals during COVID-19

Do I even have to lay this one out for you? Refer to your employee handbook. Blackmail is how I’ve gotten things done since the Carter administration.

Disclaimer: If you or a loved one has been a victim of blackmail, go to HR and blackmail the HR rep.

31-year-old’s porta-potty company brings in $4.3 million a year: We’ve built ‘a low-tech, AI-proof business’

I’ve been teaching this in business schools worldwide for years. Throw away every textbook you have. There is only one non-fiction book worth having your personal reader translate into 30-second TikTok (Chinese algorithm) videos: Everybody Poops. Finally, someone listened.

To Change Company Culture, Start with One High-Impact Behavior

The Harvard Business Review (my alma mater… not Harvard per se, but I did have post-marital relations with a TA once) released a new scientific model of group behavior change for executives only. I prefer the “Pfizer model” (incessant blackmail).

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Nathan Fielder once asked me on that one episode of Hell’s Kitchen:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: