🐠 This 4-minute morning routine will make you release everything all over

Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the film buff trivia content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Mornings can be hard (but I’m harder), but not this hard
$10k is the minimum you need to paint nails, apparently
Universal basic income is fine, but only as long as I get more than you
There are 5 stages of ~~grief~~ career growth, and you’re doing them wrong, probably
Your boss thinks you aren’t using AI enough (he’s just waiting to replace you)

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— Mike Vrabel’s wife🫃

MORNINGS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR DAY (ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE AFTERNOON-BASED NARCOLEPSY)

As I sit here in my $10k custom work chair (built-in toilet) gazing at my tank of rare fish and whispering “keep working, don’t stop daddy” to myself, I see exactly how gratitude has shaped my journey to becoming a trillionaire…

It hasn’t. Let me explain…

According to a real doctor and not Johnny Sins dressed as a doctor (I’ve been fooled before), the key to a successful day is a 4-part morning exercise.

Each part lasts 1 minute, for a total of 4 minutes… (I bought a calculator for this?)

Practice gratitude. Picture the people and experiences that have shaped you. For me, this means putting my phone’s camera on selfie mode.
Remember your purpose. Don’t just think about WHAT you’ll do, think about WHY you’re doing it. WTF is “purpose”? Did you mean to say “money”? As in, “remember your money”?
Set intentions. Think about who you want to be that day. I intend daily to be hard as a rock (inside or outside, whichever).
Talk to yourself positively. Affirmations can remind you who you are. They also lead to a form of LinkedIn-related psychosis about how everything you do is a business lesson.

In short, doctors want you to spend your precious mornings becoming an absolute specimen of the brain-dead middle management faction so they can sell you journals and therapy while you post affirmations on LinkedIn. (Genius move by big journal.)

And what do I think about this? (More important than what you think.)

It’s bull.

Also, 4 minutes every day? I haven’t lasted more than 4 minutes since Y2K.

Listen to my careless whisper: If you’re grateful, that means you’re satisfied.

Dissatisfaction is the key to wealth creation.

So it’s time to become hateful, not grateful.

If you don’t 1) hate yourself 2) hate your situation 3) hate your job 4) hate communism, and 5) hate being poor, you will never become net girthy.

Hate that again.

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IS WHAT I SPENT ON MY LAST MASSAGE (SAD ENDING)

Small businesses account for 43.5% of (y)our nation’s GDP. Even better? Most of them fail (lol).

But it turns out even a moron with a spare $10k is allowed to launch a business (there should be laws).

And I know what you’re thinking… (I have a mind-reading startup and no, you shouldn’t be eating that…)

You’re thinking, “How can I start a small business with only $10k?”

Well, lucky for you (I’m getting lucky right now), I found you a list of 20 businesses you can launch today. A few of my favorites:

Narrate audiobooks. Except I don’t know how to read. Only how to write…
Elderly services. They don’t know any better.
Dog walking. Requires legs.
Event planning. Literally tell someone to have a party and charge them.

And while I started my first business at the age of 3 (a peekaboo consultancy) with a small loan of a billion dollars from my richest uncle…

You can probably make some money too.

But never forget my golden (shower) rule:

If you were going to be rich, you probably already would be.

Reminder: Your friends deserve to be rich, too (but not as rich as you).

Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber reports a net girth gain of +15% on their bench press max. Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.

Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.

If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.

Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.

TRAINED EYE

Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.

Elon Musk says government checks are the 'best way' to deal with AI job losses — experts aren't so sure

If you grew up like I did (cult leader touched me), then you share my deep disdain for a free lunch from the government. But in an age where AI is expected to eliminate 10-15% of all US jobs in the next 5 years, the warm embrace of communism (aka universal basic income) becomes tempting.

Don’t give in.

Sadly, my poorest nephew Elon keeps pushing this monetary agenda. But I texted him about it (eggplant emoji).

The 5 Stages of Career Growth — and What It Takes to Reach the Next One

Wait, I thought the 5 stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…

Oh no, that’s the 5 stages of a steamy affair. My bad.

7 AI Tools That Run Your Entire One-Person Business While You Sleep (No Staff, No Code)

It turns out even though we’re completely overwhelmed by AI, we’re only 7 tools away from the synchronicity. Meanwhile, I spent 7 minutes in heaven once (not that kind).

Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.

I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.