🐠 They/them of the Year

Today, TIME celebrates the oligarchs enslaving humanity and Disney whores itself out like my third ex-wife.

As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— Yoko Ono’s Internal Monologue🫃

How can one recognize TIME as anything other than fake (470 cc) news when the most recognizable man in modern history wasn’t even considered for “Person” of the Year?

I am, of course, referring to my dear, personal friend, Jeff Epstein.

Cultural saturation like his cannot be bought, only trafficked. His brand awareness is that of Paris Hilton in 2004. His PR team should be teaching at Wharton. Or my ski school in Gstaad.

Instead, TIME bestowed the annual honor upon “The Architects of AI.”

Not a Person. Not a scapegoat. Not even a convenient fall guy with an Adderall prescription.

A vague blob of aura farmers, routing influence through silicon the way I route assets through shell entities registered to orphans.

Capitalism’s true monarchs are no longer Sydney Sweeney’s bosoms (spectacular run, historic defiance of Newtonian physics).

We now kneel before algorithmic plumbers printing consent via racist Pixar renders and Helen Keller vs. Stephen Hawking Hell in a Cell simulations.

TIME claims 2025 is the year AI’s “full potential roared into view,” and that there’s “no turning back.”

Translation?

And the timing is exquisite.

On the day of the annoucement, AI stocks were imploding. Layoffs are accelerating. Public trust of AI is circling the drain like Jared Fogle’s BMI (mentor, briefly).

Still, TIME celebrates.

So consider this my final appeal to the committee to reconsider.

[Should TIME refuse to right this wrong, I will have no choice but to launch a hostile takeover, lay off the staff, replace the cover with a mirror, and only sell one copy (tax write-off) to myself.]

My assistant’s OnlyFans’ agent, a woman of formidable forensic discipline and a BBL, has compiled a revised slate of nominees based on:

Remember: History is editable. Choose wisely.

When Bobby Iger first told me he wanted to become CEO of Disney, I was so shocked I practically dropped my $5 Footlong (not that kind). 

The advice I gave him then gives me chills even today. 

“Establish synergistic IP credibility through mass child indoctrination. Then sell out at the peak of the AI bubble.”

Here we are, some twenty years later. In that time, Bob has not only cemented Disney in the an*ls of capitalist history… 

He’s aligned the beloved family brand with a company hellbent on creating more magical moments with the kids, like: “Mommy, why doesn’t Daddy have a job anymore?” and “Will we still have Kwanza this year?” 

That’s right, OpenAI and Disney have come together (not that kind) to license beloved Disney characters for the next wave of AI slop. This is exactly why I acquired the rights to Dexter’s Laboratory IP in 2001.

Over 200 Disney, Marvel, Pixar, and Star Wars characters will be available on the OpenAI Sora video app.

And are you thinking what I’m thinking?

IP, UP, We all P for Disney

You too can create your own pathway to AI slop returns:

Cannabis stocks spike on reports Trump plans to ease federal pot restrictions. I’ve never been high (weed is the poor man’s adrenochrome), but my broker assures me that my investments in pot brownie recipe book publishers are about to skyrocket.

High prices sap holiday cheer as many Americans cut back on purchases: survey. This is why I told my children Santa died of a ketamine overdose. I also put them up for adoption after my court-appointed therapist said they were too young to hold board seats.

Marco Rubio bans Calibri font at State Department for being too DEI. This is why I’ll never go into politics (cheaper to buy political blackmail influence). First, they’ll take away Calibri, then Times New Roman, and before you know it, we’ll be left with Garamond. They’ll have to pry Wingdings out of my cold, dead hands.

Obsessed Pokemon fan sends price of single card skyrocketing 971%: ‘You have no idea what’s coming’. My Digimon short positions are printing money.

In-N-Out has reportedly kicked 67 out of its order system because of the viral 6-7 trend. If we don’t stop these kids, we are going to run out of numbers. How many numbers are there anyways?

Trump says ‘no big deal’ after Jeffrey Epstein photos showing him released. Tired of these stories distracting from the real scandal: Release the Bigfoot files, you cowards.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Shrek once quoted me during a five-hour Phish cover concert:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.