🐠 These top trending status symbols of 2026 will tickle you(r taint)

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the Bollywood special effects content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— The guy who DMs your girlfriend🫃

I won’t sugarcoat it for you anymore. It’s time you understood that what you own defines who you are.

Your net girth, your cash flow, your real estate portfolio, your Fartcoin holdings. They’re all a critical part of your deepest sense of self.

But let’s not forget another critical part of self-worth (non-girth related):

Fancy things.

If you don’t own luxury goods, how will anyone know you’re superior to them? How will you know that you are worthy of love more money? Consumerism = self-esteem.

I’ve blessed your day by bringing you a list of luxury trends for 2026. This list is a decent place to start… for a mere millionaire. (But I’ll provide you with my trillionaire picks too.)

Buy these now or never be loved:

Not all watches tell time the same. Time is relative (thanks, Einstein), which means Rolexes literally give you more time each day. (It’s already bedtime if you wear a Casio.)

No disrespect to Rolex, but I’ve found this particular watch gives me the greatest time slowdown powers and respect from my inferiors.

It smells like pancakes on a Sunday morning. And women tell me they love cologne (after I strap them down). However, if this scent doesn’t feel quite right for you, here’s my daily go-to scent.

Men carrying purses is what it’s all been about. But if you’d rather keep your valuables really secure… try one of these.

You have 2 wrists, don’t you? (Unless you’re my gardener. Sorry, Jorge.) 2 wrists means 2 watches. Never stop watchmaxxing.

I routinely walk around my house (alone) in a tailored designer suit (no pants), smelling like the freshest restroom attendant at the richest resort, wearing a watch on all five limbs, and whispering “no one will love you if you’re poor” over and over again.

This is luxury. Luxury that. Again.

I’m not like you. I was raised by my Peruvian nanny with a silver spoon in my mouth and then pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become a world-renowned trillionaire.

And I never once learned how to read.

Oh sure, I tried, but I believe letters are Satan’s playthings. Instead, I simply let the brilliance flow from my keyboard or pen like honey. I never go back and re-read, I never edit myself, and I’ve never used the backspace key.

But now, it seems AI has made those who can only read believe they can also write (imagine that). Even those with nothing to say now have robots who can make it seem like they do…

The thing is… only poor people write with eloquence and grammar. Subordinates write formal emails. And AI writing makes it even more formal.

Billionaires write poorly. With typos and a general apathy and disrespect toward whoever is reading their communications.

The problem is so pervasive that a student at Harvard invented an app to de-perfect AI writing. Sinceerly takes AI writing and makes it… terrible.

It adds typos, it kills emdashes (these — things), and it undoes AI-slop phrases.

The goal is to make your writing sound richer. And to make it feel more disrespectful to those who have to read it.

Typo yourself silly (foget how to spell thigns).

Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber reports a net girth gain of a couch in their garage. Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.

Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again. 

Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.

A New Study Finds Leadership Often Attracts ‘Dark’ Personality Traits

The moment I knew I’d be a CEO? Childhood trauma combined with dyslexia and small animal torture.

I’m not scared of people. The people are scared of me. Scare that in your pants.

Avoid These Sleep Mistakes That Are Sabotaging Your Performance

3 LinkedIn Profile Upgrades That Increase Views And Conversions

Run to your local internet cafe and update your LinkedIn bio right now. Here’s mine for a useful example:

“Builder of worlds, creator of breakfast for dinner, the snake in your toilet who is just waiting to strike your dangly bag.”

Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.

I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Zach Braff once said when he was my doctor (erectile dysfunction, now cured):

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: