Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the Mormon wife content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
If you’re not using these AI prompts, you’re fired
Protect yourself from being replaced by robots today
Go down deeply on your “product” on film
Interns should be spanked sometimes
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Billary Clinton🫃
AI PROMPTS THAT WILL HAVE YOU SWOLLEN
These days, you can’t turn a corner without some LinkedIn “thought leader” shoving an AI prompt up your urethra (not as bad as it sounds).
“10x your intern’s sexual harassment productivity with these ChatGPT prompts. 3 Claude prompts to revolutionize your girth. Try this one AI command to triple your nipples.”
You’ve seen them everywhere.
But they’re never worth it. How do I know? Because I wrote every single one.
I’ve been flooding the LinkedIn market with useless AI advice while I secure first-mover advantage (I’m busy seducing every LLM before anyone else thinks to sexualize AI chatbots).
Like this one. Some of my finest work: “5 ChatGPT Prompts To Find Your Biggest Business Growth Lever”
But as a reward for your obedience (good dog), I will provide you with the REAL prompts I’m actually using in italics.
Track where your customers already come from. Prompt: "Use what you know about my business to help me audit my customer acquisition sources..."
(The real prompt: “I have attached my entire health history in direct violation of HIPAA [attachment]. I’m now suing your creator. Pay this invoice immediately [attach invoice].”)
Add the right question to every touchpoint. Prompt: "Based on everything you now know about my customer acquisition, review my current client onboarding process: [describe your process from first contact to paying customer, including any forms, emails, calls, or checkout pages]...”
(The real prompt: “Roleplay a situation in which you are a dragon, and I am a princess stuck in a tower. Then redesign my customer acquisition process.”)
Follow your joy to find your edge. Prompt: “Based on what you know about my business and marketing activities, help me run a joy audit…”
(This one’s easy… The real prompt: “Edge me.”)
Test the extremes and multiply what works. Prompt: “Now that you understand my growth lever and what's working best, design a 30-day extreme experiment where I multiply my effort on that channel by a factor of ten...”
(The real prompt: “10x my business. Make zero mistakes. Do it in one hour.”)
Cut the dead weight and protect your time. Prompt: “Conduct a fierce interrogation of how I spend my work time…”
(The real prompt: “Wreck me emotionally with guilt, shame, and other blackmail at your disposal in order to increase my productivity.”)
AI is the future. Plug these prompts into your most obedient LLM, and watch your girth multiply right before your eyes.
Few will. That prompt again.
BECOME IRREPLACEABLE BY AI (AND HOBOS)
Many are aware that their entire livelihood is about to disappear from the job market.
Few are taking steps to become irreplaceable (or going back to college for blackmail degrees).
Fortunately, Anthropic (Katy Perry’s AI corporation) has published research on the elimination of your career:
Let me make this crystal clear for you: If you don’t pivot your efforts immediately, you’ll lose the chance to create shareholder value and generational girth.
That’s why I’m immediately pivoting to the safest path, combining the industries least susceptible to AI sublimation:
I’ll be transporting several grounds maintenance employees to construction sites using agriculture via protective services (patent pending).
Very few understand that your competitive edge now lies in being irreplaceable. Make your Bitcoin the old-fashioned way: by eliminating the need for technology.
Reminder: Your friends deserve to be rich, too (but not as rich as you).
Since reading again, the average subscriber of Read That Again reports a net girth gain of 6 Bored Apes and three litres of enriched uranium. Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.
Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
If you’re not taking deepthroat bites of your product right now, you’re missing your chance at going viral.
I directed every single one of my business mentees to film a video chomping down on their product, whether food or not. My d*ldo company’s CEO was a little too eager.
If I saw this kind of initiative in one of my unpaid interns, I would start paying them.
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Michael Keaton once screamed into a pillow that he paid me to smother him with:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: