Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the golden toilet paper comparison video content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
$20k is what you need to start a business (because that’s my fee).
If you’re not investing in almond milk, what are you investing in? (Me first.)
How to lock in by 4 AM every day (lock yourself in).
6 words that will net you millions (for a few minutes, at least).
Stop doing anything other than following trends, or you will have regrets.
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— The Eggplant Emoji Inventor🫃
P.S. - Now that I’ve become "LinkedIn’s" greatest thought leader, I’ve been offered the CEO’s job (I turned it down but accepted the perks package). But now, I’m #Hiring…
To be considered for employment, add Entrapranure to your work experience section on LinkedIn (you select the job title). DM me on LinkedIn once you are done, and I’ll send you a surprise.
IF YOU DON’T HAVE $20K AVAILABLE TO INVEST IN A SIDE HUSTLE, YOU’RE TOO POOR TO READ PAST THIS SENTENCE.
Still here? Good.
That means you have $20k (or the equivalent in Swedish bonds or liquid rare fish) to launch your 7th side hustle.
(Don’t liquidate the fish.)
Welcome to my Ultimate Guide for Side Hustles and Chicken Francese Franchise Course.
Congratulations on gaining the initial $20k to start your business. Allow me to walk you through the steps of launching a Sustle:
Gamble.
Everything on red. If it hits, instant ROI. If not, skip all remaining steps.
Research.
Decide what type of sensually exciting business you want to (hire someone to) start. Here is a short list of options that could edge you in your $20k budget:
Portable sauna - Sweat in the sun anywhere you go. Pass out business cards in front of Costco.
Lawn moving - That’s right. I thought lawn “mowing” was the future, but even Forbes confirmed that 81% of Americans have a lawn that will need to be mowed at some point (I don’t understand either).
Vending machines - Shun grocery stores. Buy everything from vending machines.
Franchise - Wendy’s or death. Or Bikram yoga.
Gaping.
Plan.
Make a business plan and mail it to me (I’ll respond with business advice and a $20k invoice).
That’s what the $20k was for.
Prepare rainbow version of logo for next June.
Obviously.
Give up.
Ideally, at this point, you are out of startup capital.
But you’ve learned a valuable lesson about entrapranureship…
Never forget. Many will.
You won’t. Be. Few. Again.
YOUR QUESTION WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERYTHING ELSE, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS ANSWERED.
Welcome to my Write Me Again Answer-Fiesta® Q&A Mailbag, sponsored by The Odyssey (my rewrite, all Thai “women”).
Allow me to make you roughly 5 uncles richer and smarter today as I answer your most closeted-edging questions.
(Reminder: all question-askers are now legally obligated to wire me their annual salary for my time.)
But first… last week, I asked, "Where is the best place to be in a pyramid scheme?”
46% of you nephews said: “At the top (full profits).” No, I’m at the top. You are my bottom.
A few top-bottom comments from the thought leaders who responded:
“All over- get the benefits of each level (we’re not friends though), and avoid niches (everyone is doing them now, and my uncles told me to go against what the normies are doing.)” I do the niche no one does.
“Unless you’re calling your Mongolian uncles weekly, you have no time to be in pyramid-scheme middle management.” Uncles deserve to be called hourly.
Now, onto this week’s questions…
Roan S. asked on LinkedIn:
How to optimize money from almond milk bathing?
Rowan, thank you for outing your organization (milkmaxxing is the future).
I have 3 answers to your problem (I’ll share 2, the 3rd will cost you).
Automation - If you don’t automate everything in your business, you don’t have a business. You have a hobby.
Right now, a person has to milk the almonds by hand. Then someone else has to milk them. And only then can your customers bathe. And they need milking too…
You can invest in used s*x robots to handle most of the manual labor. Check your (my) local Craigslist.
Artificial Intelligence - Elevate your share price (obvious, to me).
Milk is a publicly traded commodity. Invest in Got Milk ROI. Few understand why.
Do you?
Which commodity are you investing in most for the next 10 years? (Trick question) (Or treat)
Brooklyn N. asked on Instagram:
What does the future of Zimbabwe’s agricultural exports look like?
Broom, what an interesting answer (from me) (your question was merely acceptable).
It depends on how you define Zimbabwe. Is it a series of lines on a map? Where are they? Are they in America? What is “location” anyway?
And what is agriculture? Is it a series of profits emanating from the Earth? Was it grown? Do goats count? What about giraffes?
I’ll tell you everything you need to know about investing in agriculture: Yes. (Or no.)
Whatever it’s going to do, it will do. Be there.
And in case you’re wondering, “Is this a surprise masterclass lesson in how to answer questions like a CEO without answering questions?”
You. Tell. Me.
Then tell me again.
Sterling C. asked on Instagram:
How do I know if this will be in the course?
Dear Stilling, please elaborate (you can’t now).
Since this is the course, the answer is yes.
But let me give you a recommendation (or else).
Next time you have the opportunity to gain literal billions from my weekly Read That Again Mastermind Masterclass Master(bate) Bombshell Nightlight Sales Course…
Don’t waste it.
This lesson will net you thousands.
But the right question could have netted you trillions (with a b).
Regret that. Again.
Nathan M. asked on Instagram:
What should I do if my mom is proposing bedtime again?
Señor Narwhal, if you were my son, you would already be asleep (we wake up to grind by 2 AM).
I would need more context to fully advise on your situation (current girth and thickness, average number of moms, total room darkness levels, nightlight inventory, etc.).
But in general, your best pathway is this:
Purchase the house.
Become the landlord. (Just for the tips.)
Charge rent scaled to bedtime.
Grind longer hours.
This is close to the pathway I followed when I reached 3 years old, so I assume you are approximately that age now.
If not, you’re too far behind.
I swear on my own self (all over it) that if you use the “Forward” button, you’ll gain nephews.
Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber starts a reverse Ponzi scheme (upside down). Your friends deserve to join in (they asked me for it).
Use your custom referral link to invite a fellow girlboss to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or fewer.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
If you haven’t edged yourself at least 8 times by 9 AM, you’ll never achieve your dreams (girth).
Per the “Big Balls Brotherhood,” an overweight men’s support group (for business), mornings should be reserved for journaling, meditation, and outsourcing children to ex-spouses.
D*mn right.
Your daily schedule should begin at 3 AM (trick statement, the correct time is 1:49 AM).
If I reduced my business advice to just 6 words, the world would implode (too much gravity = black hole) (not that kind).
But I’ll give you the first 3 words (you count).
Beans in the morning…
You won’t believe what the last two words are.
Nephews, I need you to forget every form of maxximizing you’ve ever encountered (selective dementia).
No more looksmaxxing, liftmaxxing, profitmaxxing, grindmaxxing, foreskinmaxxing, or girthmaxxing.
This Winter (it’s too hot now), we need to be trendmaxxing.
Invest every dollar you make in the latest trend. You must do it. Everyone wants you to.
Maxx everything until homelessnessmaxxing occurs (rock top).
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Lionel Messi once screamed while he kicked my b*lls in exchange for 5 pesos:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think:
What did you think of today’s mastermind lesson?
*Did you really just look for the fine print? I own you now. Reply with “got me” or else.