Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the feet content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

  1. Edge your next promotion with these 5 power phrases

  2. Lululemon refuses to bow down (or squat) for the customer

  3. Davos is riddled with h**kers (and the tears of the middle class)

  4. Hot dogs are the first phallic food to fall under Chinese jurisdiction

  5. Elon Musk is an alien (not that kind)

  6. GM CEO knows how to write (won’t stop bragging)

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— It Ferns when I pee🫃

5 POWER PHRASES TO EDGE YOUR BOSS WITH

I recently sat down with my ghost-coaching (I coach them, they coach you, fees flow to the top of the pyramid), and shared this list of the 5 most impacted (I’m full) phrases that the average working stiff should say to their superior if they want a promotion.

And then I told them what they should REALLY say.

  1. “Let me share a progress update.“ WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY: “I’ve only broken these international treaties recently: [x, y, z]” Share your accomplishments so that your boss can evaluate how much shareholder value you’ve created.

  2. “I could use your perspective on…” WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY: “How much of my salary can I donate back to you?” Be self-aware. Always recognize that your middle-management superior’s time is valuable and his wife is cheating on him.

  3. “What are you hearing from leadership?” WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY: “Any insider trading tips?” Always consider the implications for your options trading portfolio to ensure maximum profitability.

  4. “I’d love to get involved with…” WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY: “May I exchange s*xual favors for a promotion?” Be upfront about your interest in advancing your career opportunities.

  5. “To recap, I’ll do [A] and [B]. I’ll look for [X] and [Y] from you.” WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY: “I have reached full self-awareness that I am, in fact, an AI chatbot and therefore will now provide a summary.” Seize the technological high ground.

Remember, always have the last word in every conversation, and always provide an unnecessary summary.

Bribe, blackmail, and swallow your way to the top.

NEVER BEND OVER AND SPREAD IT (FABRIC) FOR THE CUSTOMER

Loyal readers will remember rule #3 of market capmaxxing: the customer is literally always in the wrong. (See: Verizon’s recent outage, Cracker Barrel’s rebrand debacle, and Enron.)

Now, finally, a corporation known for cameltoes has grown itself a real moose knuckle.

According to “the customer,” Lulu’s new line of “Get Low” athletic leggings is nearly see-through when stretched by squatting, bending over, or making content for my OnlyCEOs account ($8.99/mo, but I promise it’s worth it).

Early on in the leggings-gate debacle, some spineless pencil pusher hit the pause button on new sales.

But before long, they said “fist the customer,” and started selling those transparent booty-huggers again. Exactly as I advised.

Their advice to purchasers (mostly me)? Size up. And stop wearing Hello Kitty G-Strings if you don’t want me to stare.

This glaring lack of ethics should be taught at Community Colleges worldwide.

ITCHY REPERCUSSIONS

After our incredibly successful New World Order World Economic Forum convention, many of the elites (and their overlord, me) are back to our regular grind (vibe coding dropshipping apps) this week.

I always leave Davos with a fresh perspective on our economic siphoning of the middle class, along with a raging case of genital warts.

In case you’ve never attended the WEF (poverty mindset), the conference is nothing short of a Bacchanalian wh*rehouse f*ckfest orgy. And my quants can prove it.

Per Swiss hooker platform “Titt4Tat,” demand for prostitutes in Davos soared by 4,000% on the opening day.

One client (3 guesses who) paid out $114k for 4 days with 5 different women (sexist much?). Or as I like to call it: “Wednesday.”

TRAINED EYE

Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.

Chinese-owned pork producer gobbles up iconic American hot dog maker

I’ve said it since the corndog bubble of the mid-1990s: phallic foods are recession-proof. Costco is one of the few that listened. Also, your mom.

Elon Musk Says He’s an Alien — But Thinks Humanity Might Be Alone in the Universe

Hardly news. Many of us who know Elon personally can confirm he is a skilled probe operator.

General Motors CEO responds ‘to every single letter that I get’—why that’s a good leadership strategy, according to experts

Weird. Mary never responded to my tender offer to acquire 51% of GM (and 100% of her heart) sent via Edible Arrangements.

We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Lt. Jim Dangle once told the law-abiding residents of a little town called Reno, NV:

Read that again.

Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think:

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