Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the ultra-realistic RealDoll content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
Harness these 5 skills if you ever want a chance of landing a Russian bride
You don’t want to be famous, you want to make money (trust me, I do both)
Steal this millionaire’s reading list (but don’t get caught or else)
Founders are special and don’t have to work ever
If you fear being replaced by AI, you’re a little wimp
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— NASA PsyOp Dept.🫃
THE CEO OF LINKEDIN DOESN’T HIRE ANYONE THAT HE CAN’T EASILY REPLACE WITH AI (DUH).
While the average working stiff (I am right now) is worried about being replaced by this new wave of robots coming for every entry level job in existence, only the exquisite understand a subtle truth:
You should be grateful.
Young people entering the most terrifying job market of all time should consider themselves lucky that there are trillionaires like me and (poor) millionaires like Ryan Roslansky, CEO of LinkedIn, here to give them advice.
According to my poor nephew Ryan who is best known as the inventor of the #OpenToWork badge (I did not look that up but I assume it’s true), there are 5 skills you need to develop if you don’t want to be replaced by AI.
But don’t worry, I’ll also share my (much higher net girth) advice in italics.
Curiosity. Humans are the only ones who can ask, “What if we tried something different?”
I tried to be curious once in college, but I didn’t like it (tasted too salty). I’ve also heard it can kill cats. Which is fine.
Courage. Only humans can decide which risks to take with incomplete information.
Do things that scare you each day. For instance, I’m afraid of typing the letter… um, never mind.
Creativity. AI can’t create a “new” thing, just remix existing themes.
Okay, so this one’s probably not true, but there are more important things. Like breast augmentation.
Compassion. Only humans can feel things.
I don’t get this one. I haven’t felt anything since the Reagan administration. Cultivate a wealth mindset (psychopathy).
Communication. AI can’t sell books, yet.
Who cares? You can unsubscribe from every other email and just read this one, and you’ll be rich, probably. That again read.
If you’re not developing 4/5 of these skills and squirreling away silver in a hole in your backyard (not that one), you’ll be replaced.
So get on it, you tasty bastard.
IF YOUR MARKETING TEAM ISN’T 10/10, FIRE THEM (PLEASE).
Too many marketing teams try to get their product more “attention” at scale. Too few bother to focus on selling that product.
According to the President of America a marketing recruiting firm, all founders are making this one simple mistake (write this down):
Founders are hiring marketers who will make them famous. They should be hiring marketers who will focus on generating sales.
For instance, the digital HR platform Deel scaled from $1M to $295M in ARR (not that kind) by building a lean, sexy team focused on revenue, not fame (though admittedly, it is hard to avoid fame as an HR company).
Your first marketing hire should be a demand generation specialist, not some Gen Z slop specialist who will get you followers on Instagram (those are for dating, not hiring).
Great advice, but much like my neighborhood’s weekly potluck/orgy, I’ll take it a step further than anyone wants to allow…
Hire the sexiest marketer you can afford.
If you can afford a Donald Draper-type marketing genius, you’ll become rich.
If all you can afford is an ex-OnlyF*ns model who thinks ROI stands for “Rocks Off Inspiration,” you’ll probably still do alright.
But I swear (to myself), if you hire an uggo to run your marketing ops, I’ll fire them myself.
(You’re welcome.)
Reminder: Your friends deserve to be rich, too (but not as rich as you).
Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber reports a net girth gain of 54 US Patents. Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.
Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
I have never read a book in my life. Except for one.
Which one? Why would I tell you? Or did I already…
Wait, you’re a founder and you’re still “working”? Founders have one job: hire someone to do any work that comes up.
Then hire someone to hire those people. Work: no. Net girth: huge.
A girthmaxxer fears absolutely nothing. Especially not sharks. (But don’t ask me to go swimming in the ocean.)
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Dr. Ken Jeong, MD once privately told me during the testicle examination portion of my annual physical:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: