🐠 Thankful for Tom Hardy

Today, we examine the nuance of Thanksgiving for the global elite and get on our knees and thank Tom Hardy for capitalism.

As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net assets,

— The quiet piggy🫃

PS: Few understand that postscripts are legally binding. Reply to this email with your key takeaways and positive feedback, or risk a federal grand jury indictment

Until today, I always assumed that “Thanksgiving dinner” was a euphemism for whatever the lower classes do to distract themselves from generational poverty.

I was horrified to discover the actual consumption habits of the average American (agrarian Luddite descendants) during the annual celebration of European colonial expansion (pre-destined).

According to a study by the American Farm Bureau Federation (I remain their largest donor—my philanthropic generosity encourages leadership to graciously overlook my family’s centuries-long abuse of migrant farm laborers), the typical Thanksgiving meal includes the following “staples”:

This looks less like a celebratory feast and more like the ingredient list for the nutrient slurry we feed the farm-raised krill that sustain my rarest fish.

Apparently, the least wealthy 99.99% annually gather around a folding table and proudly consume $55.18 worth of caloric beige. Yes, that’s the average cost to feed ten people. TEN.

I spend more than that tipping the valet who parks my bulletproof Rascal scooter.

That cost is down 5% from last year, but still 13% above pre-pandemic (my needle dropshipping venture) pricing.

This subclass of humans has become cucks for complacency. They clap like trained seals because bird meat is three dollars cheaper. At least we don’t have to worry about them being smart enough to band together and gut the 0.01%.

You’re welcome in advance (advice for those celebrating bargain bin subsistence)

This year, instead of your family discussing the usual marks of financial stagnation (above-ground pools, unfinished basements, all-inclusive cruises), I’ve curated a list of approved dinner-table topics to 10x your family's economic output:

This holiday season, remember: freedom is free. But generational wealth is not.

I nearly had a(nother) mental break when I found out that long-time Walmart CEO Doug McMillon was stepping down to spend more time with his family (coward).

According to a fully-clothed Cameo that I purchased from Sam Altman, Doug began his career in high school at Walmart, picking orders and unloading trailers at a warehouse.

But instead of committing domestic abuse and cornering the market on Valium at his local middle school, Doug worked harder than my least rich uncle to become CEO of Sam's Club (which I'm told is where mortals can buy troughs of genetically modified gruel).

Then it was on to lead Walmart International, before taking his spot atop the throne of what I assume is the saddest place on earth.

He'll be remembered as a hero of capitalism: turning food stamps and broken dreams into shareholder value for billionaire hedge fund managers.

Shares of Walmart have grown more than 300% during Doug’s tenure... and under his close watch, the weapons used in more than 78% of mass casualty events have originated from Walmart (lone wolves are a bubble).

Today, we salute Walmart and Doug for their contribution to giving the hopeless a glimmer of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” hope, thus ensuring a healthy pipeline of common warehouse workers until they can be 100% replaced by high-margin humanoid robots.

Robinhood CEO Says Gen Z Is Making This Traditional Savings Option ‘Cool Again’ THIS is why I'm glad I lost every custody battle with all of my ex-wives. The current generation of investors has the risk appetite of Mormons who just found out that syphilis exists.

Sam Altman's eye-scanning Orb startup told workers not to care about anything outside work This isn’t investment advice (it is an investment demand): you should definitely liquidate everything you have and plow it straight into this company.

Larry Summers leaves OpenAI board, Harvard instructor role as scrutiny over Epstein emails intensifies The witch hunt is getting out of hand. Who will they come for next? My favorite comedian, Bill Cosby?

NBA Star LiAngelo Ball Reveals He Only Tips $10–$20 on $400 Meals: 'That's How I Rock' I have set up a GoFundMe for his landlord. Please consider donating today (2/3 landlords go hungry during the holidays)

Bill Ackman doubles down on his dating advice despite being ruthlessly mocked online Finding your next ex-wife is easy when you’re a billionaire. It’s like ordering Seamless, except instead of pad thai you’re getting a Wharton grad with daddy issues, and instead of delivery fees you’re paying alimony indexed to CPI.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Carrot Top quoted me in his family’s Thanksgiving blessing last year:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.