Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, we examine the acquisition of key cultural intellectual property and examine the habits of billionaires (obsessing over children).
As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Pee-yonce🫃
A TEMPTING SPREAD
Acquire quality. Never create it.
I almost Netflix ‘n’ Chilled in my pants when I heard the news that Netflix will acquire Warner Bros. Discovery for the equivalent of a suggested holiday landlord tip ($72 billion).
For those without a direct wiretap to every conference room in corporate America (pre-Ivy League MBA clarity), let me catch you up…
For months, Warner Bros. Discovery has been bent over pulling its cheeks apart, offering media execs (and their families), lawyers, and at least 3 of my webcams full cavity searches they’d file under “due diligence.”
Warner Bros. hope? That the scent of its steamy IP would attract a rutting entertainment conglomerate.
Commence the most titillating bidding war since I rescued my niece from a Saudi wife auction (I lost on purpose).
Paramount, Comcast, and Netflix all dropped trou (no fluff), showing WBD CEO David Zaslav what they have to offer.
But nobody was lusting after Warner Bros. Discovery quite like Paramount CEO David Ellison, my former boarding school roommate and son of Larry Ellison (of Oracle & emotional absenteeism fame). He was making offers before WBD even announced its interest in selling - once a premature ejaculator, always a premature bidder.
Naturally, Paramount won’t simply stand there with its limp corporate dick in its hands as Netflix revels in its spoils. Ellison and his daddy are making a hostile bid (is there any other kind?). Clear case of post-cuck clarity driving exquisite acquisition sensibilities.
To further complicate the game of corporate cookie nookie, my Chinese spies in DC are telling me that US government officials are whispering that a Netflix–WBD merger could trigger antitrust concerns.
This circus will play out in court one way or another. Which is why I’ve already contacted every law firm involved to pitch a cost-saving synergy: fire the robots and replace them with my North Korean virtual assistants armed with ChatGPT accounts (free version).
If you forget everything else from the D.A.R.E. program, remember this:
Nature is a zero-sum game.
Only the savage feed their children and acquire IP. Bookmark this:
Never invent anything. Originality is for the common street beggars who can’t afford to BUY intellectual property.
Abandon your dreams of writing a novel. Apply yourself to prompting AI to write you a screenplay for a 3-season Netflix show that will jump the shark in episode 2.
Without proper crotch protection, your entry into the world of high-stakes M&A will be over before it starts (busting balls is part of the job).
BILLIONAIRES SEEDING ON CHILDREN
Children are our future, and not just because of the valuable adrenochrome.
Michael and Susan Dell (of the IBM computer company, or something like that, my fact checker has been deported) have put their balls in the hands of the youth of today with a new historic donation: $6.25B to the children.
A textbook play: parlaying the simplest of tax write-off strategies with a top-tier welfare scam, while extracting massive PR ROI. Well played.
Each child born between 2015 and 2025 will be seeded with $250 from the Dells in a tax-advantaged “Trump account.” If they choose to invest it in the S&P 500, like some milk maiden, that could roughly quadruple by the time those children become adults. But before you say, those children would be better off using the cash to wipe away their hunger tears…
Follow the logic trail…
If inflation continues as mapped by the World Bank, upon turning 18, those same children may be able to afford a Dell computer.
Immaculate circular economics.
Philanthropy applied with this type of political leverage is a timeless parable:
Secure billions of dollars (ask rich uncles, if needed)
“Donate” to children via government handouts (attack the fabric of capitalism)
Prepare retargeting propaganda materials to turn recipients into customers (18-year marketing pipeline, minimum)
Become immortal (via shareholder approval rating)
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
The New York Times sues Perplexity, alleging copyright infringement. If this is illegal, take me to court right now (I’ve always wanted to be held in contempt, if only to be held once in my life).
Planet Earth has never had so many billionaires. So pleased to see so many people have been taking advantage of my sociopathic online course materials.
Super Bowl champ shares struggles of making NFL money last after earning over $100M in career. This one goes out to you, Odell Beckham Jr: Why didn’t you invest in Bored Ape NFTs when I told you to?
House Republican moves to force vote on lawmaker stock ownership, trading ban. Few understand Nancy Pelosi is a better lover than an investor.
Women’s farts smell worse than men’s — and there’s science to back it up. I funded this study (I offered the smallest, windowless room in my house as a lab).
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Method Man once quoted me during a Ponzi scheme pitch:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.