🐠 Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors

The wait is over. You’ve been hand-selected from the registered sex offender list to join my secret inbox society, Skull and Boners.

Previously, this multilevel marketing scheme was reserved for the elite whom I met networking on Little Saint James.

As part of the Few, my assistant’s Chairman has prepared your Thursday schedule henceforth:

This newsletter will open your eyes with insights more valuable than perineum sunning near the equator. It will offer you a front row seat to the entrapranurial mindset and trillionaire hustle-maxxing.

Today, we deliver justice for our greatest national asset (billionaire CEOs) and cancel the FAA for its part in cancel culture.

As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in a swift cease and desist.

Yours in net assets,

— PEN15🫃

Who amongst us is more deserving of a pay raise than my dear friend, Iron Man 2 star Elon Musk?

From humble beginnings (as the son of a mere millionaire), Elon has ascended the entrapranurial ladder and fisted his way through the cisgender glass ceiling to become the “wealthiest person in the world.”

On Thursday, Tesla shareholders overwhelmingly approved a $1 trillion pay plan for the world’s 3rd greatest CEO (I am co-CEO with myself). 75% of Tesla’s voting shareholders approved this pittance of a compensation plan.

Payment consists of 12 tranches (that’s French-Polynesian for ‘viscous loads’) of shares to be distributed to Elon as Tesla meets milestones over the next 120 months.

This visionary leader will receive each of the first ten measly handouts when Tesla’s market cap achieves ~$500B gains, up to $6.5T, with the final 2 tranches to be released when Tesla hits a modest $8.5T market cap.

I have only eight words to say about this deal: pathetic. It’s a drop in the cum-bucket of what Elon deserves.

Of course, all of this could have been avoided had a needle-dicked shareholder not sued to cock-block Elon’s $56B pay package back in 2018.

While in legal flux, Elon was forced to impregnate between 6 and 9 women just so he had futons to sleep on.

Is this how we should treat our national heroes?

Then last year, a judge pulled the plug on Elon Musk’s comp plan like Terry Schiavo’s plastic surgeon. Some (me) are calling it the 9/11 of capitalism.

You might think this $1T payday is vindication. As for me? I consider it a down payment for the full reparations we owe this Hall of Fame edger.

To achieve true greatness, young founders need to commit to a simple philosophy: never take your company public. 

Your equity is your lifeblood. If Magic Johnson can overcome AIDS, founders can find a way to maintain 110% ownership. High net worth is easy to achieve if the sole voting shareholder (you) files a $1 trillion class action lawsuit against your Delaware S-Corp (also you).

It’s like I tell my business coach: “I’m incontinent.”

Yesterday, my ex-wife’s assistant had an important flight canceled thanks to those impostors at the Federal Aviation Administration. 

And she/they/demon wasn’t/weren’t alone. Over 1,600 flights were canceled yesterday alone due to the lackluster efforts of the air traffic controller cartel. I even asked Jeeves (my Romanian AI-boyfriend), who confirmed that over 18k flights were delayed over the weekend, with over 4,500 completely canceled.

Why? Because these government pencil pushers have a habit of ruining commercial air travel every time crooked politicians (I’m straight) argue over the federal budget. I personally offered to fund a $10k bonus for any ATC’er with ovaries big enough to keep private flights on track during the cuts.

And while the cancellations won’t affect my travel plans (I prefer to buy land, lay tracks, and travel by private bullet train), it does seem an inconvenience for the average working stiffy. 

There is only one way to ensure this never happens to my (non-golden handcuffed) employees again.

Privatize the FAA.

Here’s the playbook:

Sam Altman gets served with lawsuit live on stage during speaking engagement. Allow me to clear this up: this was my VP of Finance delivering Sam Altman’s tip (Halloween).

Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan’s CEO) Minimizes Cell Phone Use During Work Hours, Only Allowing Notifications From His Children. I block my children’s calls, have secured restraining orders against them, and ruined their credit from a young age to ensure they never have to go through the pain and suffering I did (the burden of a $14M trust fund from my rich uncles). I pioneered the nepoortism movement.

Trump pardons New York baseball star Darryl Strawberry for tax evasion conviction. Mr. President, if you’re reading this (I know you are - I have the Oval Office bugged), please respond to my TRUTH Social DMs. I am seeking asylum and full pardons for my close personal friends: 1) Jeff Epstein 2) The Wet Bandits 3) Aaron Hernandez

Video shows Condé Nast employees confront HR chief before firings: ‘Do you think we’re not worth speaking to?’ This is why I strategically placed landmines in the HR department at my Cambodian sweatshop.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As the great Mr. Beast once quoted me as saying: