🐠 Political influence can make your net girth swell

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the SYRN content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— ASU Frat Leader🫃

Where were you yesterday? If you answered anything other than solemnly achieving post-nut clarity while saluting the American flag, prepare yourself for 7 years of low-income month.

Presidents' Day is your reminder that there are only two ways the elite attain increased cash flow through political power. (I’m greatly risking your life by sending you this information, but I’ll take that risk.)

1) Become POTUS (President of the United States, for short)

Few (a mere 45, so far) will ever attain enough national influence to purchase the executive office. However, those who do are historically at risk of high ROI (Return on I’m President, b*tch).

Read my trillionaire lips: Nearly every President has used their time in the “White” House (anyone can have one of those by the way) girthmaxxing their way to increased assets.

For example…

Many have asked why presidents and politicians get so rich while being a “public servant.”

The answer: Shut your mouth and stop asking questions.

But remember, gaining a few measly million dollars isn’t the only way political influence can increase your girth…

2) Become POTUS (Political Orchestrator To Undermine Society)

Even fewer understand that far better than becoming President (assassination risk) is to own the President through bribery, intimidation, blackmail, and warm kisses.

In the age of cryptocurrency (I’m Satoshi), you can earn millions of NFTs in mere seconds by placing instant Polymarket bets on presidential decisions. My offshore tax shelter has nearly outgrown its server farm since I invented Fartcoin.

Remember: Political influence should be bought, not earned, to maximize earnings.

Happy Presidents’ Day for all who earn.

The many (college graduates) are about to find out what we the few (4th-grade dropouts) have known for decades. The end of white-collar jobs (and crime) is near.

My personal AI advisor (human, probably) and CEO of Microsoft AI, Mustafa Suleyman, just went on record predicting white-collar work is 18 months from extinction… and I couldn’t be more hard (unrelated). 

Per Mustafa, accounting, legal, marketing, project management, and pretty much anything that involves “sitting down at a computer” will be fully automated by mid-2027.

Law school and MBA grads will become about as useful as my (smokeshow) Ecuadorian housemaid is at actually cleaning.

And keep in mind, this prediction is from the head of Microsoft Copilot. Just imagine the capabilities of a real AI program… (bring back Clippy).

Many of the unfortunate middle class fear the future, but there is nothing to fear… they will all die cold and alone together. And what else do we have but eachother?

Your Strategy Needs a Visual Metaphor

I often laugh at the Harvard Business Review, but this time, they’re laughing at me.

This concept is so spot-on. It’s why I always draw an anatomically accurate p*nis on the cover of every report my butler prepares.

We fart twice as much as previously thought, scientists discover from new ‘smart underwear’

I’ve been personally funding the smart underwear movement since the founding of Chipotle. The protein-forward movement of the American diet will require wearables that do more than just track farts.

The underwear of the future will turn farts into renewable resources for the poor-averse.

FBI probes self-help guru Tai Lopez in ‘Ponzi scheme’ that acquired RadioShack, Pier 1 Imports

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, invest immediately. I’m still convinced that RadioShack and Pier 1 Imports are future-proof investments (useless cords, adapters, and VCR rewinders sell for hundreds of cents on eBay).

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Henry Cavill once shouted into the void while we shared an ayahuasca experience:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: