🐠 New Year's Restitution

Today, I’ll pull at your heartstrings with how net worth maxxing defined a generation of degenerates, and tickle your taints with why “charitable giving” is finally on a downward slope to irrelevance.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— Learing Center🫃

At the beginning of 2025, I wrote one thing on my to-do list:

Easy enough, for a person with my T-levels and access to commercial-grade tranquilizers, I thought. The challenges I set for myself in 2025 are now taught in business school:

So, what could I possibly do in 2026? No challenge could bring me to my knees like that one midget dominatrix could.

My laser-tag buddies (acquitted) had ideas:

No, those were doable.

Then it hit me during a ketamine treatment (for my addiction to success). The one thing that would be nearly impossible for me to do: recognize others for their accomplishments.

But who?

I certainly couldn't congratulate my father (I am a self-made man). Travis Kelce couldn't get Taylor Swift pregnant. And I haven't seen a Marlboro Man commercial in nearly two decades.

Well, it took me most of 2025, but like flying commercial, failure wasn’t an option.

Finally, it hit me when my intern's staff accountant was running the numbers on my competition (billionaires with 10+ inch hogs).

I could recognize the titans of tech for having heeded my life advice (like always use Groupons for prostitutes).

Collectively, the net worth of the top 10 tech titans climbed $550B to $2.5T in 2025. Great men like Elon Musk, Jensen Huang, and the inventor of the cronut (patent pending). That rose from $1.9T at the start of the year.

How did they do it?

Well, let’s just say, I told them about AI when Buffy the Vampire Slayer was still on TV. I remember because I caught chlamydia from Sarah Michelle Gellar the night I informed Sergey Brin, Larry Ellison, Jensen Huang, David Hasselhoff, and Satoshi Nakamoto about artificial intelligence.

Unfortunately, one of them clearly didn’t heed my gift of untold wealth (Satoshi went ahead with his silly currency project). You know what they say: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t convince it to fist you without consent.

Huge gains related to AI have helped all of them grow their wealth immensely:

Elon Musk’s net worth rose $213B thanks to his $1T Tesla pay package, a spike in SpaceX’s valuation, and selling the magic beans he was given by an old man in the forest as a young boy in South Africa.

Larry Page’s valuation (on paper) rose $102B thanks to Google’s stock (related to sales of incognito mode data to your employer). Same with Sergey Brin, whose net girth popped $92.8B.

Larry Ellison’s net worth is up $59.2B thanks to Oracle stock soaring (Mercury in retrograde).

Jensen Huang’s net worth rose $41.8B via Nvidia's huge stock price increase. Nvidia is the biggest provider of AI chips and one of the largest manufacturers of counterfeit Denny’s coupons in the northern hemisphere.

Today, I humbly recognize and applaud all of you for being smart enough to listen to me. Thank you for believing in yourself enough to believe every word that came out of my mouth, including the legal disclaimer, which allows me to retain major equity stakes in your LLCs via tax-protected shell companies.

The end of the year means only one thing: “charitable” workers taking to the streets to panhandle for loose change.

First come the scam artists shamefully dressed as Santa Claus, clanging their bells and pushing their red bucket agenda on my personal assistant as she exits the Walmart (I sent her out for last-minute stocking stuffers for my illegitimate children, and I demand exact change back).

Then come the countless invitations to charity balls (not that kind), invocations for religious giving (Scientology wants me back BAD), and letters from the cancer societies (adult cancer but some kid stuff too).

The public scourge of nonprofit organizations has gone far enough. In fact, I’ve personally assembled a crack team of ex-IRS agents solely tasked with criminalizing the 501(c)(3) tax status in 2026.

And I’m not alone in my objectively true opinion.

According to a new poll by the Associated Press, an impressive 30% of Americans have absolutely no intention of donating to a charitable cause in 2025.

And while the end of the year serves as a feeding frenzy for charitable orgs, this year, a mere 24% of Americans have declared an intention to give any more of their hard-earned cash to charities (landlords excluded due to their public service).

The lame-stream media obviously places the blame on “unemployment” (laziness) rising to 4.6% in November, the highest it’s been in 4 years, and “inflation” (nature’s motivator).

Lurking under that convenient excuse is a beautiful truth: Americans are waking up to the scam of “charity.”

For anyone considering donating money to a charity before the end of the year, allow me to suggest the following alternatives that will grandiosely increase your net girth:

$400k shipment of live lobsters hijacked en route to Midwest Costco locations. I absolutely refuse to say anything until my lawyer arrives. Also, excuse me, I need to call my butter dealer.

Google reveals the top trending searches of 2025. I’ve heard from top sources that this list is censored dogsh*t. You’re going to tell me with a straight face that “Sydney Sweeney t*ts” isn’t in any of these lists? Fine, what about “Jamie Lee Curtis t*ts,” huh?

‘Naked flying’ is the new ‘raw-dogging’. I have been making my private jet pilots fly naked since 1997. Learned it from my classmate JFK Jr.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Tom Brady once screamed into his pillow after a trial martial arts class (bad ending):

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.