Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the Bollywood special effects content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
AI is here to make you better, which means you should boof it.
Pyramids are best when people are under you and you make money.
If you can do more work, that would be great for your employer (me).
The greatest minds in the business world sue everyone else (speaking of which…)
I fired everyone, and you are next. This is your official notice.
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Helen of Troy🫃
P.S. - Now that I’ve become "LinkedIn’s" greatest thought leader, I’ve been offered the CEO’s job (I turned it down but accepted the perks package). But now, I’m #Hiring…
To be considered for employment, add Entrapranure to your work experience section on LinkedIn (you select the job title). DM me on LinkedIn once you are done, and I’ll send you a surprise.
IF YOU’RE NOT SLOPMAXXING ON LINKEDIN DAILY, I WANT TO BE YOU (I’M A DUPLICATE OF SOMEONE ELSE CURRENTLY)
Some time ago (can’t understand digital or analog clocks), I decided to burn all my bridges as an influencer on the social networking app Grindr (stretched out all possible uncles already).
Since then, I’ve been focusing my efforts on the ultimate prize of business success: becoming a LinkedIn influencer.
But according to technology, science, and physics (not sure; ask my quant), I’ve been working too hard (I haven’t been hard in years).
A new study of facts found that of all social media sites, LinkedIn has the highest proportion of AI-generated content (obviously, they did not include my Tilda Swinton platonic deepfake forum).
Over 40% of LinkedIn posts longer than 250 words (I didn’t count them personally; I can’t count) are fully written by AI.
Compare that to my nephew Elon’s platform X, where 25% of the long-form content is AI-generated (rookie numbers).
Listen to me closely with your chubby hands (in sign language):
You need to absorb more AI content deep inside you.
Never forget that AI is much, much, much smarter (and thicker) than you (not me, for obvious reasons).
Don’t believe me? You can test your intelligence against AI right now.
Now that you’ve successfully failed (entrapranures always fail upward), I recommend you go soak up into you as much AI content as possible.
And the best place to do it (not that) is on LinkedIn.
Slopmaxx your way to the top (not that kind).
Few can slop. Many top. Read.
That again.
I TRIED TO ANSWER EVERY QUESTION, BUT THAT WOULD TAKE A MILLION YEARS, SO I ONLY ANSWERED YOU.
Welcome to my Write Me Again Answer-Fiesta® Q&A Mailbag, sponsored by the military-industrial complex (simple to me).
Allow me to make you roughly 5 uncles richer and smarter today as I answer your most closeted-edging questions.
(Reminder: all question-askers are now legally obligated to wire me their annual salary for my time.)
But first… last week, I asked, "Will you niche or open wide?”
47% of you nephews said: “Open as wide as I can (fist)” The wider the better if you’re aiming for something girthy.
A few top-bottom comments from the thought leaders who responded:
“Open as wide as you can (and then some). We're talking as open as your uncle's firework shop where you work for tips (not that kind) on the 3rd of July. Use your fist to fight the power and punch hard (not that kind).” Ok mommy.
“My first uncle once told me a poem in a state of 2 round orgasm: My niche My back Lick my crypto wallet And my crack What does this mean? And was this plagiarized?” I finally found you. Pay me.
“My business serves the nichest niche out there, just me. My customer satisfaction rates are through the roof, mostly because I make sure all our interactions have a happy ending.” I will sell you lotion.
Now, onto this week’s questions…
Derek W. asked on LinkedIn:
How do I find motivation to start a pyramid scheme?
Derick, I’m so glad you came on to me with your hardest struggles.
Pyramid schemes are perhaps our nation’s greatest invention and highest-grossing domestic product.
From Bernie Madoff to the Polka King to Mary Kay to me right now, the pyramid scheme is the most useful style of pyramid ever created (Egyptian is useless except for cotton).
But it’s not that you lack passion for pyramids. It’s that you lack motivation.
And your timing couldn’t be better. For a limited time, you can join my Large Language Motivation Model ETF Investment Pod and Motivational Seminar Cookbook Group (open to only a few million people).
The price is a mere $8k per edging session (never finish). But the best part is this: I’m running a limited deal…
If you recruit only 2 other people to this program, the course will PAY FOR ITSELF.
But… If they recruit 2 people each, you will actually be PAID TO PARTICIPATE.
The more people you recruit to my program, the more you can make.
I’ll send you your welcome kit for the program the moment your check clears (remit $80k down payment to hold your spot).
Where is the best place to be in a pyramid scheme?
Max B. asked on Instagram:
If I divorce my wife, can she legally take half of my uncles?
Mack, I’m sorry to hear about you having a wife.
But we all make mistakes.
When my 3rd wife left, I realized I could never make the mistake of legally uncle-alimonying again (I paid off the judge, but it didn’t help, so I bought the court system for ROI).
Cases like yours are why I invented the legal instrument known as the PreUnc (patent pending).
In your future marriages, I hope you wisely have your wife sign over her rights via legal instruments (oboe).
Kira K. asked on Instagram:
Is it too late to invest in AI (Aquatic Icefish)?
Dear Kirk, I’m sorry for your question.
For those of you who have not been fortunate enough to be early investors in aquaticism or ice-fishing endeavors, let this serve as a lesson.
It’s never too late to buy a commodity at peak price. And there is no such thing as a bubble.
I once spent a Summer in the Arctic above the ice wall (if you’re reading this, you are already aware the Earth is flat).
We froze every fish we saw (did not go near the edge).
I am still selling that investment today at only a 300% loss.
Buy as many aquatic icefish from me as you possibly can (I have hundreds left).
I’ll invoice you.
Stu F. asked on Instagram:
How many times should I jerk it to escape pre nut delusion and stay in a constant state of post nut clarity?
Madame Stew, your request is exactly the kind of question I always hoped my nephews would ask me.
Post-nut clarity is the strongest tool in your arsenal of business SaaS CRM suites.
If more entrapranures unlocked unlimited capacity for PNC access, whole productivity verticals would crumble.
I used to recommend founders implement bi-hourly edging sessions for maximum PNC, but technology has outpaced the burgeoning orgasm market.
Simply 3D print an AI pleasure device (available in my group chat masterclass mastermind) that stays attached to your person at all times, and you’ll never experience the perils of PND again…
Finish yourself constantly. Ignore friction.
Ascend.
I swear on my own self (all over it) that if you use the “Forward” button, you’ll gain nephews.
Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber starts a reverse Ponzi scheme (upside down). Your friends deserve to join in (they asked me for it).
Use your custom referral link to invite a fellow girlboss to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or fewer.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
I never hire anyone unless I know 3 things about them:
Social Security Number, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, street they grew up on, model of their first car, first concert they attended, favorite song, high school mascot. (If you want to be my Fall intern, please hit ‘Reply’ with that information.)
Sensual preferences and soft length (not necessary, but critical)
Multitasking ability
Phobias
If you couldn’t read all of these at once, you could never work for my privately traded company.
AI tools enable employers to achieve at least 5X the work one employee could do by having that employee manage 5 AI agents at once while multitasking on their own work.
It’s all upside.
Benefit me. Few will multitask many. Be few many.
If you have never been sued, don’t you dare read this sentence.
Lawsuits separate the alphas from the pack (giraffe mentality).
I’ve sued you already since you started reading. (Reading my ideas with the intent to become girthier is a crime.)
Trade theft comes with unlimited potential gains.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice (temporary permanent dementia).
Be richer by having zero clients.
Oh, you thought you’d be richer by selling things to people?
Wrong (not me, you).
Fire all of your clients immediately for maximum wealth. The money will always come back to you.
Workminimize for girthmaximize.
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Conor McGregor once did to a rabbit who got into his garden:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think:
What did you think of today’s mastermind lesson?
*Did you really just look for the fine print? I own you now. Reply with “got me” or else.