Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, we examine the nature of synthetic meat for the poors and glorify unbridled American consumerism.
As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Hoe🫃
PS: Few understand that postscripts are legally binding. Reply to this email with your key takeaways and positive feedback, or risk a federal grand jury indictment
CHOKING CHICKENS
Public shaming is leverage
The Campbell Company just set the standard for corporate innovation.
I’ve always taught my disciples that a workplace without safety, boundaries, or lactation rooms is the purest engine of innovation. Non-sexual fear is the only real KPI.
So imagine my delight when I learned two of my protégés at Campbell’s Soup (I refuse to eat it, but people tell me it resembles a Michelin star sea urchin ceviche if you were to microwave it for 7–10 business days) put these lessons into action.
Campbell’s fired VP Martin Bally, the Information Security guy (a position I believe is entry-level for aspiring Kony 2012s), for committing the cardinal corporate sin: telling the truth.
During a recorded meeting, Bally said what every Fortune 500 exec whispers into their therapist's ear:
“We have s–t for f–king poor people. Who buys our s–t? I don’t buy Campbell’s products barely anymore.”
Poetry.
He then added: “I don't wanna eat a piece of chicken that came from a 3-D printer.”
Relatable. (All my chickens come from pre-war breeding stock, hand pecked daily.)
And of course, a dash of racism: “F–king Indians don’t know a f–king thing.”
This was all recorded by an ex-colleague, which is precisely why all my meetings are held naked (fewer legally permissible conversations).
Campbell’s claims the VP’s comments were “incorrect,” at least the bioengineered meat part. They have yet to weigh in on the Indians. The stock declined anyway. Tragic.
So many teachable moments…
This was obviously a controlled leak. A brilliant ploy by Campbell’s to test whether the public will tolerate 3D-printed poultry slurry. I once did the same at my mustard gas facility in Syria, to test consumer appetite for the Geneva Convention (my least favorite convention), except my “disgruntled intern” suffered permanent respiratory failure.
Employees should record each other illegally. Especially in the bathroom (BONUS TIP: invest in all gender bathrooms to save money on doors and placards). I mandate it in all employment contracts. Mutual blackmail fosters a toxic, paranoid environment in which only the most sociopathic climbers survive. It’s corporate Darwinism, except everyone’s devolving.
Shame is leverage. Poor-shaming? Country-shaming? Sign up my employees (paid and unpaid). I routinely kink-shame prostitutes before negotiations. You’d be amazed at what a 20% discount sounds like when someone’s ego is in the fetal position.
KARL MARX WOULD ROLL IN HIS GRAVE
Waste your time on any economic indicator you wish: CPI, interest rates, gold prices, local h*ndjob to earnings ratios, stripper tipping, mortgage-backed securities. None will give you an accurate glimpse into the state of the US economy as…
Black. Friday.
This sacred holiday exists for one reason: to glorify America’s most cherished value: unrestrained, degenerate abuse of purchasing power.
And I am now officially ready to declare that we are living in truly unprecedented economic times.
Black Friday sales reached a record $11.8B, up 9.1% from last year’s pathetic performance (which, quite frankly, was hamstrung by supply chain issues for 3-D printed Thanksgiving poultry).
Notably for my top 0.01% AI infrastructure cabal, Black Friday shoppers were effectively “assisted” (mass market manipulation) by AI chatbots in their holiday purchasing.
Inspiring.
Now, in light of these miraculous numbers, here’s precisely how I’m maximizing my rare fish investments (not investment advice *wink*):
Flash-buy every penny stock (they aren’t producing pennies anymore, so this should be obvious)
Turn on auto-renew for my rich uncle’s Patreon (again)
Freeze leftover pumpkin pies (corner the 2026 market)
Short all tech stocks (Michael Burry is never wrong)
Reinvest in American Christianity efforts
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
Katy Perry to receive $1.8M from dying veteran in property dispute. Celebrities, they’re just like me: sociopathic, vindictive, and lawyered-up enough to make any “veteran” with “Huntington’s Disease” wish he was still a POW.
Over a third of Black Friday sales aren’t really discounts, study finds. It’s truly heartwarming when I see corporations utilizing my sacred tools of business to commit crimes against humanity by obfuscation and coercion.
American Eagle shares jump after Martha Stewart revealed as new face of brand after Sydney Sweeney controversy. Only the few know the news behind the news. Now that Sidney Sweeney has signed an exclusive contract to bear my illegitimate octuplets, she can no longer, in good conscience, be photographed in mall jeans.
Congratulations to my insider-trading masterclass student, Martha Stewart. Fine choice. Though a strong case could be made for Jami Lee Curtis in future brand pivots.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Keyser Söze quoted me from the pulpit of his local AA meeting:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.