Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Walk down any street in America.
What do you notice first? (Excluding the rampant childhood obesity.)
If your net girth is as thick as the average reader of this publication, what you’ll notice about the commoners around you is their distinct lack of fashion-maxxing.
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
That’s why I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
Warning: do NOT attempt to wear any of these with underwear or before you’ve finished edging.
Now, onto the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
If work makes you depressed, watch a violent movie and imagine murdering everyone
Tampons have now ruined yet another massive corporate merger
You, too, can earn your first $8T by following a few simple steps
I’m manipulating the price of (massage) oil globally
Business idea: renovating decommissioned homeless shelters into houses
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Sydney Sweeney’s left one🫃
THE ANSWER TO DEPRESSION: VIOLENT THOUGHTS
If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your lactose-intolerant life. For me, the love of the game (systematically scamming the poor out of their welfare checks) keeps me invigorated and turgid.
But some (nephew mindset) get “depressed” from “stagnant job markets” and “toxic workplaces.” So depressed that the HR-department-types (you know exactly who I mean) invented a new science: workplace psychology.
Read this again: If a workplace isn’t toxic, absolutely ZERO shareholder value is being created.
Instead of embracing the grindset and suffering in silence for a lifetime career, workplace psychology professor Alicia Grandey recommends…
Watching violent movies. (Two in particular.)
No Other Choice. The story of a Korean man who kills his fellow job-hunting candidates. Unironically, a great way to get ahead of your competition.
Send Help. The (all-natural) Rachel McAdams tortures her boss with no consequences. Essentially a biopic of John McAfee’s greatest sexual fantasy.
According to this leading psycho (short for psychologist), watching a movie about resorting to violence to solve your workplace problems will make your work anxiety feel “distant and controllable” (exactly how I want to describe my relationship with my future children).
My therapist (a custom AI chatbot replica of Dr. Phil, but only from that one episode with the cash me outside girl) takes a different psychological approach.
In fact, if my shrink (or my therapist) told me to watch a movie to feel better, I’d fire them and immediately replace them with any number of disgraced filmmakers to create custom, violent, “Most Dangerous Game” style hunting experiences for me.
And you can participate. As the bait (or the master baiter).
MERGE INSIDE OF YOURSELF
You read the news for the story. You come to me for the story BEHIND (and sometimes inside) the story.
In this case, it’s both behind and inside. At least, it was…
As part-creator of David Ellison (I served as surrogate nepo-mother for all of Oracle), I have been silently sabotaging the Netflix-Warner Bros merger for years.
Now that Paramount has successfully derailed everyone from Netflix and Harry Pottering forever, I can reveal my most brilliant stroke (not that kind) of merger-busting genius.
Read my transitioning lips (those ones): I placed a tampon basket in the men’s restroom of Netflix, then invited GOP legislators to the headquarters.
The result? Political pressure successfully worked its magic to push Warner Bros away from Netflix’s woke grasp.
High-level M&A dealmaking executives (most of whom are my richest uncles) will tell you that tearing apart 10+ digit deals requires subversive genius.
I say it requires a handful of your trophy mistress’s tampons, a basket, and access to the right bathroom (irony).
Spoiler: I’m right.
Reminder: Your friends deserve to be rich, too (but not as rich as you).
Since reading again, the average subscriber of Read That Again reports a net girth gain of ~$2.9M (and ⅓ inch). Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.
Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three consumers, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
If my math is right (and it rarely is), there are countless opportunities to earn an easy $8T at any moment.
Think about it: there are around 8B on this planet. Collect $3M from each of them (extra for mansion-building expenses) to make your $8T nut (crowdsourced nutting).
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Little Nicky once wrote in a manifesto arguing for the future of anarcho-communism:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: