🐠 Inflated starving children

Today, inflation threatens our ability to abandon our children and Epstein lived one [redacted] life.

As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— The Grinch🫃

The holidays are a time for family (networking with rich uncles), traditions (spiking the egg and going halfsies with local DUI lawyers), food (endangered species), and, of course, movies.

John Hughes’s cinematic Christmas classic Home Alone is a favorite in my households (the Aspen chateau especially). Not because of the hijinks or because Kevin successfully fends off the Wet Bandits. But because it offers lessons for the whole family:

But if you look closely, there’s one more critical lesson that the thoroughly brain-rotted children of Gen Alpha can take away from this American masterpiece: the realities of unregulated inflation.

The film’s sadistic (Kevin is a war criminal) eight-year-old protagonist famously purchases milk (not that kind), OJ (sorry, Nicole), white bread (it was a different time), frozen dinners, detergent, paper goods, and toy soldiers for a grand total of… $18.93.

Since Kevin’s 1990 grocery trip, prices have risen mildly (167%). For the arithmetic illiterate (CEO leadership material), that same grocery trip would cost the average American eight-year-old $52.95 today. Or $67.23 if he grabs two Juul mango pods (black market).

Between 2019 and 2024, the price of “food at home” (some of you only have one home?) increased 27.5%. Eggs price-maxxed to $4.82/dozen in 2023. And sugar prices climbed 68% (statistically significant for diabetic patriots). A survey of local landlords (show of hands) indicates the cost of living is “mildly” to “very mildly” unbearable.

The few who tip uncles will understand: inflation is real. But only the realest will understand: it’s our greatest natural motivator for pre-pubescent boys.

Many see the inflation “problem.” Few see the possibilities for net worth maxxing that inflation presents. 

The American government will always print more fiat money (I asked, they obliged). But greatness (well, as great as the upper middle class can be)

can be achieved by securing more dollars through what I call my “reverse inflation grindset.”

Say it with me: Nothing is certain but Santa and inflation.

Christmas came (in my belly button, like usual) early for the proletariat.

The Department of Injustice released what they called a “historic trove” of Epstein documents late last week. The problem? Nearly 90% of the files were redacted more heavily than Japanese Girls Gone Wild ads (I cornered the pixelation market on Honshu in the late 90s).

But let’s get something straight before you embarrass yourself on the internet.

If you are waiting for this list to explain where true powers lie, you’re going to be more disappointed than my future ex-wife when she finds out her boyfriend is flying business class to Davos.

Kings aren’t crowned in a jacuzzi on Little Saint James. Trust me, I got my Prince Albert at Waffle House in Daytona Beach.

The “Epstein files” don’t offer insight into the halls of power. It’s a government-issued bedtime story for sheeple who think the lizard people wear name tags and cosplay as subject matter experts on Raya.

Exhibit A: Not a shred of military industrial complex brand awareness campaigns being workshopped here…

Exhibit B: Does this look like the place where nuclear scientists from the G7 swap Crock Pot recipes?

Xzibit C:

If your name or likeness was released last week, congratulations, you are a non-playable character, not a final boss. A middle manager of gravitas. A franchisee at the power brokerage.

So where do the real puppet masters grip the strings of power like their tips during a 17-hour edging bender?

McDonald’s CEO delivers blunt career advice that may ‘hurt your feelings’ in new Instagram video. Listen or risk working at McDonald’s for the rest of your life.

Chipotle chases the protein craze with new menu items — including meat in a cup. Fools. Everyone knows meat is best enjoyed eaten off the naked, nubile body of a [redacted] while on [redacted]’s private island resort.

Trump Media announces $6 billion merger with fusion company TAE Technologies. I intend to power this newsletter and the rest of my media empire with perpetual motion machines (patent pending).

Elon Musk’s net worth hits staggering $648B, making him more than twice as wealthy as runner-up. They (I) say the first trillion is the hardest.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Madonna once sang me to sleep during a hostile takeover bid for Blockbuster (failed):

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.