Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the peptide overdosing content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
Real estate charts are hard to read, but not harder than me
I’m going to mail you the next email I send you
Positive self-talk isn’t just for hippies anymore (yes, it is)
Take advantage of impoverished islands (not island people)
We have to invent a new way to look things up on the internet now
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Chirayu Rana🫃
REAL ESTATE IS THE ONE INVESTMENT THAT YOUR KIDS WILL BEG MOST FOR IN YOUR WILL (YOUR MISTRESS WILL GET IT).
Unless you’re living in legitimate poverty, you should already own at least 3 investment properties in addition to your primary residence (private island) by the time you reach the age of consent.
But in case you didn’t know, you can easily 10X your wealth by 10Xing the amount of real estate you own (banks give free loans for real estate).
But to be a successful real estate maxxer, you must learn the difference between a soft market and a rock hard market (my cousin said it still works if it’s soft).
Lucky for you, I rounded up the top states where real estate supply is softer than me after a 98-hour edging session (chafed).
National active housing inventory is up 4.6% year-over-year, but that’s still lower than last year’s 30.6% growth (I was shorting the market). And different states have different inventory shifts…
What does it all mean? I’m not sure, I was never taught how to read charts, and I have no idea what that is a map of.
But what I do know is that you want to be a buyer in a soft market and a seller in a hard tight one. (It might be the opposite, I refuse to double-check.)
Let me put it as clearly as I can (excuse the heartburn burps):
Scared money don’t real estate money. That read again.
The time for action in the real estate market is right now. And I’m going to give you my top 3 strategies for your portfolio.
(Note: 2 of these strategies have netted me $100+ so far. 1 of them has lost me millions of dollars… for now. You pick.)
Reverse-house-flipping: Purchase the most expensive listings on the market, then trash them. Flip for a reverse-profit (can be done only once).
Mortgage Ponzi scheme (inverted pyramid): Find impoverished grandmothers in third-world countries. Pay their mortgages. Funnel the profits to pay the mortgages of retired Florida couples. Rinse and repeat.
Homelessness: Cardboard box.
Few will invest in real estate. Real estate that again. Few.
EMAIL IS OVER. I’LL BE MAILING YOU A BILL.
There are at least eight things that Gen Z does which make me want to loosen in my shorts prematurely. But this one is the worst…
Apparently, several spoiled young entrapranures are making money by sabotaging the greatest technology I ever invented: email.
Generation Z believes that snail mail is back. These young unclemaxxers are sending actual letters to real mailboxes and charging subscriptions to do so…
And may I just say: I’m afraid (of the dark). And that email may disappear if these Foreverstampmoggers have their way.
That said, I’d like to introduce you to my new business venture:
Rare Fish Mail.
For a monthly subscription of $5k per month (payable in blood diamonds), I will mail you a rare fish investment every single month.
All you have to do is keep a $200k fish tank aquarium, and you’ll receive monthly Ziploc baggies full of rare fish in Evian water.
(They’ll be fine, but I’m not responsible for any fish that don’t survive USPS flat rate).
To sign up, reply to this email with your address and a photo of your wife or girlfriend.
Snail mail is the past. Fish mail is the future.
Reminder: Your friends deserve to be rich, too (but not as rich as you).
Since reading again, the average Read That Again subscriber reports a net girth gain of a Taco Bell-related tapeworm. Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.
Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
Positive self-talk is everywhere these days. Meanwhile, I’ve been talking to the voices in my head forever (and it’s never positive, only sexual).
Get a mirror, and tell yourself it’s your time to unleash hell on everyone who doubted you (daddy issues?).
This is an EXTREMELY misleading article… I once invested in an island, and now I’m being “investigated” by the “government” over some “things” that happened there.
Buying islands is not for the many. Few.
Quick question for any nerds out there reading...
Now that Jeeves is gone, can you tell me how I can look things up on the internet? I’m assuming we will all need to make other plans to research things online now.
Read this again: Dress for the (blow)job you want, not the (hand)job you have.
I’ve prepared an outrageous selection of high-fashion, hand-tailored outerwear stitched for you by my personal collection of Malaysian child laborers.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Brad Pitt once told me after stopping a zombie apocalypse:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: