🐠 Gen Z is illiterate (so let's write about them)

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the breastfeeding content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— I’m Horny🫃

Now, I know what college students are thinking right now: “I can’t read this.”

College professors (scam artists) are reporting general shock at the levels of illiteracy they’re seeing among Gen Z. One professor even says her college students’ inability to read is so severe that she has to read passages out loud in class.

But this retardmaxxing pandemic isn’t only afflicting the broccoli haircutted. Nearly 40% of Americans didn’t read a single book within the last year. (Reading Clifford the Big Red Dog is only for the elite.)

While I am personally unable to connect with the degenerate, illiterate new generations (I still require words to communicate as my telepathy training remains in limbo), I am hiring as many Gen Z interns as possible.

Their absolute incapability to perform even the most menial task (vaping excluded) may one day secure me a coveted place on the board of Enron.

Those who have failed to cultivate an abundance mindset (zero uncles on retainer) are advocating for a return to a bartering economy.

They call it the “Buy Nothing Rebellion,” but we all know they’re just poor. The economically challenged are forming ‘Buy Nothing’ Facebook groups and giving away their hard-earned crap and consuming anti-consumerist propaganda that communities should “share” their items with each other.

My lawyer (an AI chatbot with an Ivy League education) informs me that, like smoking at your local Red Lobster, bartering is not illegal. This is why I implore loyal reader Mark Zuckerberg to rid his platform of this mind parasite.

The kids are alright. Seriously, we’re suffering from a mediocrity (see: just alright) epidemic in this country among prodigies.

According to a study that my blind assistant translated from Braille (I chemically disable eyesight as part of an NDA), 90% of child prodigies end up making $500k per annum with just 1 vacation home. AKA abject poverty. 

I have found that the best way to prevent early success is to prevent my offspring (prodigy runs in my family) in utero. My whole-house reverse osmosis (RO) system feeds Plan B into my drinking water.

Netflix co-CEO says he reads this book ‘over and over’—it’s ‘the most powerful leadership story I’ve ever read’

Ted Sarandos admitted his favorite non-fiction book is fiction. The Netflix CEO gave the nod to “Typhoon,” a 1902 novella by Joseph Conrad about a steamship captain and crew navigating a severe storm (I saw the movie with George Clooney).

Warren Buffett stepped down as CEO with a net worth of $150 billion—his best advice to build wealth

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. The “Oracle” quit too early (95 years old). Quitters are spitters and vice versa. Enough said.

Why Elon Musk says saving for retirement will be 'irrelevant' in the next 20 years

Saving for “retirement” (401ks are a pyramid scheme) is completely unnecessary, according to my dear(ly beloved) friend Elon Musk. For those foolish enough to “save for retirement,” you can end the charade now. Utopia will be achieved within 10-20 years (probably).

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor once told a studio audience in pre-ruined Detroit:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.