Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
Today, I’ll provide you with the pathway to billions as long as you pinky promise to never “retire”, and subtly sway you toward my consumerist agenda with an exploration into Tesla’s cucking experience.
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Pres. Maduro🫃
EARLY RETIREMENT
The Oracle gives up while at the top (cowardice).
Another soldier has fallen.
The myth of “retirement” just claimed perhaps our greatest living example of the rich uncle archetype.
Omaha Steaks’ own Warren Buffett is going against my personal advice (unwise, just ask pre-C*alis Bill Belichick). Much like the almost-renowned Steven Seagal, Warren has now retired before reaching his true prime, at the age of 95.
It’s been a storied career for Mr. Buffett, prolific in every way, from his musical talents that spawned the Margaritaville franchise to his invention of the Golden Corral business model.
And despite my deep disappointment (quick trip to the Thai massage parlor will reset my aura), Warren stands out among my most dedicated mentees.
He/they’s career pathway to a net girth of $148.9B is packed with lessons straight out of my upcoming course on Trump University.
These maxims can steer even the most complex chronic masturbator to become the 9th richest person in the world (if mediocrity is good enough for you):
Age is just a number. Warren bought his first stock at 11 and made his first real estate investment at 14. If you are over 15 years old reading this, it’s too late for you. Better luck next time.
Acquire failing companies (nephew farming). Berkshire Hathaway was a failing textile company until I advised Buffet (I negotiated the extra “t” in Buffett at Davos in 1996) to use it as a shell for investing. You, too, can buy shells from Sally on the seashore (tongue twisters generate shareholder value).
Buy and hold (me tenderly). Buy equities in underpriced corporations before the digital age, then never sell them. Make sure no future generation has any chance to build wealth by working until you die. I, for instance, hold the deeds to all moon mining, as I have it on very good authority that cheese is an endangered food group.
You may be asking, “Are the days of compounding interest, of simple trades, of Midwestern buy-and-hold investing over?”
To which I’d remind you that my investment advice costs nothing short of a call option on the souls of your unborn children.
But here’s one for free… no.
For the many who are satisfied with a 9th-place finish in the global race to acquire wealth, there’s now a vacuum. Left by the man who’s still searching for his lost shaker of salt.
You can live a frugal life, focus on long-term compounding interest investments, make intelligent real estate decisions, and have self-respect.
Or… if you’re one of the truly few… Follow the B.U.F.F.E.T.T. model.
Bridges: build one, own one, buy one, it doesn’t matter. Bridges.
Uncles: cultivate Big Uncle Energy™ for maximum opportunity harvesting
Fish: invest in rare species for stem cell research (forget I said that part)
Freak-Off: win hearts and minds through fun competition
Edging: what separates the net worth boys from the net girth men
Tummy Ache: survive it. Don’t let it define you (hire hookers for belly rubs)
Torture: commit to finishing every acronym you begin, despite how long it is
Perhaps you, too, will make it to the top of the wealth food chain. Or perhaps you’ll be abducted and deposed as the dictator of a South American country.
The choice is yours (mine, I’m in charge).
CUCKED BY THE CHINESE
Tesla’s year-end delivery numbers are in, and much like my reverse colonic procedure, they’re moving in the wrong direction.
Elon’s electric fleetmakers delivered a mere 1.64M units in 2025, down a staggering 8.6% from 2024.
Meanwhile, the Made in China EV-copycat known as BYD is growing like my portfolio of Somali daycares. The pretenders to the crown are claiming 28% growth in 2025, with 2.26M units sold.
As Elon Musk’s chief consigliere (I sleep in the trundle bed next to his), I personally advised him to publicly mock BYD after the samestream media (I get all my news from Snapchat) dubbed them a “competitor” in 2011.
And I would do it again.
Why, you may not ask? Because despite any (alleged) numbers reported by any Chinese companies (suspect), the fatcats at BYD could never hope to achieve even a fraction of what Elon and his natural musk have done for America in 2025:
I’ll illuminate you(r nipples with a flashlight if you want):
Leaving politics after revolutionizing government. After successfully saving the nation from government inefficiency, Elon walked away like a legend when the EV mandate was revoked
Securing the $1T bag. Warren Buffett, eat your heart out. You shouldn’t have quit so young. Elon got this done.
Launching robotaxi services in major cities. I personally can’t comprehend the benefit of robotaxis. Do other people not have a topless driver available to them at all times?
Spreading seed. If being the mayor of Pound Town were illegal, Elon would be in Guantánamo Bay
With all this success, who has time for dumb, nonsubsidized electric vehicle production?
Do people even want electric vehicles anymore? I have it on very good authority that Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro is interested in donating huge oil reserves to the United States.
I’ll always tell (whisper) Elon the same thing: You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
Bet Against Christ’s Return Pays 5.5% Annual Gain on Polymarket. You tell me: 5.5% returns worth it for an afterlife in hell? I’m going anyway, so…
Soon New Yorkers will be able to take their chatbot girlfriends out on a ‘meaningful’ date. No one tell my AI wife, or she’ll expect this kind of treatment constantly (I use her for practicing my gaslighting skills).
Trump's jaw-dropping McDonald's order goes viral amid health alarm. Gout is the disease of kings.
AI models can develop ‘humanlike’ gambling addiction when given more freedom: study. If gambling is a “human” condition, then unplug me and take away my credit card.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Joe Pesci once implored the other goodfellas about my personal merits:
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.