🐠 Blowing your mind with edging intel

Today, we slowly edge more intel out of the new Epstein emails (not about me) and endorse AI romance (but not AI alimony).

As always, this information is classified for your eyes only. Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in a swift cease and desist.

Yours in net assets,

— Bubba🫃

For the very few of you who have been closely following the slow release of the Epstein files (unable to completely bust), I say this: “You’re welcome.” 

While I’ve had access to the complete files for years (I often ghost-wrote Jeffy’s emails as a side hustle), I’ve been lightly edging you with the release of one piece of titillating text at a time. 

Last week, I leaked another 20,000 pages of Epstein intel to distract our loyal civil servants from investigating my food stamp dropshipping venture as the government shutdown ended.

Several mainstream media outlets took note of one email in particular…

A conversation between Jeff and his brother Mark that references “photos of Trump blowing Bubba.”

Some took a conversation between two well-adjusted brothers and ran with speculation that “Bubba” is a nickname for the man who puts the “Head” in Head of State: Former Commander in Skeet President William Clinton.

I can neither confirm nor deny that any such photos exist. (See attachment.)

As your entrapranurial career advances, you will face endless opportunities to make yourself a victim of honeypot blackmail. 

In situations where you suspect you may be a target of sexual manipulation, ALWAYS film it yourself (Kim K pioneered this). 

The knowledge that you may one day release an incriminating video of yourself will push your earning potential to new limits as you struggle to pay yourself huge monthly hush money. It’s like I always tell my dominatrix: 

“No, you’re pre-diabetic.”

Years after I blazed the trail of romantic AI love (gooning for hours with Microsoft’s Clippy), love is finally trending in the air for the average female incel. 

A 32-year-old Japanese (of course) woman named Kano just married her ChatGPT boyfriend, Klaus, after months of dating. And while the marriage reportedly won’t hold up legally (or at all), it’s surely the first of many such cases that will inevitably lead to the end of capitalism.

While men have been casually gooning to AI waifus for years, the trend of full-blown marriage seems to be particularly female-led… and there is only one reasonable explanation: 

Corporate Alimony

As we speak, I’m consulting with my weekly masked orgy/business luncheon coalition, including Jensen Huang of Nvidia and Sam Altman of OpenAI, about the steps the AI industry will need to protect itself from these females marrying large language models for money instead of love:

Customers mock Apple’s $230 iPhone Pocket ‘sock’: ‘Peak brand delusion’. All I see is opportunity. You can build generational wealth with an iPhone sock stiffening enterprise. This reminds me of the drop-cumming business I used to pay my way through Harvard Business School.

Trump floats $2,000 tariff rebate checks. What you need to know. What you REALLY need to know: During COVID, I stole the identities of Special Olympics competitors and redirected their stimulus checks to build my sizable stake in Build-A-Bear. Don’t do what I did. Seriously, I am going to do the same thing this time.

Jensen Huang’s Mom Taught Him a Leadership Mindset He Still Uses. I taught his mom everything she knew about GPUs (I’m Jensen’s stepdad).

Ford CEO Jim Farley laments he can’t fill 5,000 mechanic jobs paying $120K per year: ‘We are in trouble in our country’. Jim needs to look in the mirror and ask himself: “Why are my cars breaking down… and why was my cousin so much more successful than me?”

Charlie Javice billed JPMorgan for cellulite butter, luxe items as part of $74M legal tab, explosive allegations claim. During my third divorce, I forced my wife to pay for a vasectomy reversal so I could get her mom pregnant, and she had to call me daddy one last time.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As the great Dennis Rodman once quoted me as saying:

That said…