🐠 Alcoholics Anonymous is hell-bent on destroying the economy

Today, I’m taking a moment (you’re welcome) to share my algorithm with you (minus the breastfeeding content). These are the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.

Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).

Yours in net girth,

— LizardKing🫃

A brief reminder for any business owner foolish enough to succumb to the whims of the so-called customer... 

Right this down (legibility optional): The customer is never write. (Few. Again.) 

Last week, Verizon Wireless' cell service went down harder than a Thai streetwalker (big hands) during Mardi Gras for over 100k customers across the US. The outage lasted for hours (like me on a prescribed cocktail of sensory-dampening chewables).

Verizon customers took to the digital streets to write strongly worded Bluesky posts.

So, Verizon ignored the rumblings and continued to profit, right? Right?

Sadly, no, dear uncles (and aunts). Some PR “professional” with low self-esteem working in the Verizon corporate office decided to issue a $20 credit to EVERY impacted customer. 

Was it enough?

Of course not. It was far too much.

Remember this: Customer outrage is imaginary. Customer rights don’t exist. (Neither do human rights.) Never bow down. Except to landlords.

Looking for economic indicators of our failing nation-state? Look no further than the reduction in alcohol dependence among the working class.

A recent Gallup Poll (why they allow horses to run these polls is beyond me) revealed that only 54% of adults now consume alcohol. That’s the lowest share in Gallup’s 90 years (still younger than Warren Buffett).

Two culprits are taking the blame for this economic atrocity: GLP-1s and THC (and testicle microplastics).

My fear: without benders (not that kind) and blackouts (that kind), how will the laborers console themselves for wasting their lives on sh*t-shoveling and street busking? 

Few will understand. Drink more. Drive more. Live más.

While the many have spent decades prioritizing gluten consumption through nightly macaroni necklace consumption (low net worth grindset), my biweekly Dungeons and Dragons cohort has prioritized the intake of one vital nutrient.

Protein. (Incontinence optional.)

Now, restaurants are catching on, and packing (not that kind) protein into everything.

Subway (my footlong is still $5) is releasing $4 “Protein Pockets” with 20g of protein. Starbucks rolled out “Protein Cold Foam.” Sweetgreen brought the hungry the “Protein Max Bowl.”

Protein is the new gold rush. Those without a portfolio based on protein futures will experience poverty. (That down.)

'Task' versus 'purpose': Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang explains why AI won't kill jobs.

This one mindset shift will empower you to quietly surrender your job to an AI chatbot. Gently, and without a struggle, please. (Wealth mindset only.)

Progresso brings back viral 'soup you can suck on' candies after complete sellout last year

When I tell you to go suck soup, I mean it. I’ll be working with my contacts at Clorox to produce suckable candies for all kinds of cleaning products.

Jim Carrey wrote himself a $10 million check before he could cash it—a few years later, he did

I once wrote Jim Carrey a $10B check to manifest that he never portray me in a movie. When Liar Liar was released, I tore that check up into shreds. Manifesting is the quickest pathway to minimizing net girth. (Ask Jared from Subway.)

Kevin O’Leary Says These Resume Red Flags Could Land Yours ‘in the Garbage’

My dear friend and puppet, Mr. Wonderful, aka Kevin O’Leary, says he will hang up on your a** and write your name in the Burn Book if you show up to a remote interview and your internet connection falters. Wifi doesn’t sleep, pal.

Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Dexter once told a guy before he m*rdered him and cut him up into little pieces:

That said…

Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think. And have your butler’s rich uncle share feedback.