Salutations rich uncles and rare fish collectors,
It’s your lucky day. I am sharing an opportunity of a lifetime. A reverse pyramid scheme that will create generational wealth (too bad I’m sterile).
Like me, you never went to business school (legally). You skipped college and went right to the pros by subscribing to the greatest business grindset masterclass of all time (this newsletter).
Since reading again, the average subscriber of Read That Again reports a net girth gain of ~$2.9M (and ⅓ inch). Now I’m giving you the opportunity to gently spread this newsletter like a venereal disease (the incurable type) to all of your acquaintances.
And I’ll reward you for it…
Use your custom referral link to invite a colleague (or your gimp) to subscribe to Read That Again.
If you refer one reader, I’ll send you a Custom Topless Photo. I bare it all, just for you.
If you refer three consumers, I’ll give you a Custom Piece of Financial or Career Advice. I will solve all of your problems in 180 characters or less.
Send the poorest person you know your referral link, coerce them into subscribing, and then disable your gag reflex, because you’re about to receive a load of knowledge when you least expect it.
Now, onto the stories, tools, and d*ldos that made it inside of me this week.
“Burnout” is just a fancy term for being lazy
Toy Story 5 is a plot to reduce geniuses (I’m behind it. And you.)
Actual shark Marc Kuban says AI won’t replace the workplace devotion of unpaid, hungover interns
There are at least 10 college degrees that are totally worthless (you probably have one)
New Balance sneakers are replacing bare feet all over the place (bad for my gooning)
Any attempt to forward this email to a friend or foreign dignitary will result in an assassination attempt (botched).
Yours in net girth,
— Buttmunchers, Inc.🫃
FULL REMEDY FOR FOUNDER BUSTING
I’m increasingly fascinated by AI-written sloppycat attempts to infringe on the Entrapranure® empire.
So-called business “founders” (I found it first, so founders keepers, losers weepers) with their 10-step plans, 5 learned lessons, and now… 60-minute rituals.
Assuming you are a founder (readers of this publication, are either a founder or a hostage), you may face what the low net girthers out there refer to as “burnout” (not the kind you need lotion from the urologist to fix).
One founder in particular has offered a 1-hour ritual for avoiding burnout.
Obviously, I’ve added some thoughts of my own to increase resale value (in parentheses).
Each quarter, take a piece of paper and write out your “one-page plan,” including…
Your purpose. Why you do what you do. (And who you’re going to do it ON.)
Your values. What matters most to you. (And exactly how much you’ll sell them for.)
Your BHAG. Big, hairy, audacious goal. (Also, make a crime scene outline of your BAG [big a** gonads] on the page.)
Your five-year vision. Who do you want to become? (And who can you crush on your way?)
One-year goals. (To be accomplished in 30 days if you are a real grinder.)
Quarterly goals. (If you can’t bounce a quarter off dat azz, don’t do these.)
However you choose to avoid burnout, don’t.
It’s important to understand that true net girthgooning comes from mogging your own personal psychological and physical health on a regular basis.
Greatness has literally never been achieved by someone who sleeps 8 hours a night.
Instead, try this…
Develop a reliance on veterinary tranquilizers. The many think stimulants will help them, only the few understand that tranquilizers are harder to resist.(Therefore, greater willpower.)
Gravitate toward religion. Church tithing is the ultimate form of landlord tipping.
DISNEY PROPAGANDA
Of the top 10 most effective mass psychology manipulation strategies, none quite compares with children's movies. (Except perhaps Sydney Sweeney’s great jeans.)
After selecting the new CEO for the Disney corporation (my contract to acquire Bob Iger’s soul recently expired), I compelled the creatives at Pixar to fully release (not that kind) another installment in the Toy Story franchise.
For decades, these films have revolved around classic American toys (made in China and efficiently releasing microplastics into children's lungs). But the latest film will feature deep thoughts on the evils of tablets and screen time.
Why? Simple.
I’m shorting Apple (not the fruit). Nor the crabs.
Read my chapped lips again, Timothy Cook. I’m releasing Toy Story 5 as a psy op to scare parents away from iPad purchases.
And, bonus: children who spend 18 hours a day on their iPads become imbued with near superhuman levels of antisocial autism. Translation? Wealth magnets.
Do you think I want a new generation of iPad-powered competition? I intend to be their landlord. Keep them in a perpetual state of prediction marketing.
TRAINED EYE
Just the tip of the content that my team of child prodigies is currently siphoning via a backdoor API to train my proprietary LLM.
For decades, I’ve been wondering how to ensure that my unpaid interns achieve their maximum earning potential. Now that I’ve replaced every single one with AI girlfriends, I realize that I miss those alcoholic sh*theads.
Now hiring: hungover interns. (And Mark Cuban lookalikes. Unrelated.)
Absolutely shameless list. I’m astounded not to see the following degrees listed:
Blackmail
Invertebrates
Jestergooning (minor in mogging)
Rizzing up huzz
Dynamite
The turnaround plan for Nike is extremely simple. Step 1: Discover a once-in-a-generation athlete (buy low, sell high), collab on a culture-defining shoe, make billions in profits.
I’ve attached an example that Nike can take inspiration from.
We came (I did), we saw, we conquered.
Go out into the world and begin adding to your net worth. As Tony Stark once iron-manned (in my jeans):
Read that again.
Alphas don’t concern themselves with your opinion.
That said…
Tell my assistant’s data scientist what you think: